


Old House Humor

by Seasnake



Category: House M.D.
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-08-22
Updated: 2015-08-22
Packaged: 2018-04-16 15:44:35
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 6,352
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4630923
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Seasnake/pseuds/Seasnake
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Random fix-it.</p><p>Rating is just for some swearing and crude humor.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Cleaning out my old file folders, found this. Enjoy.

“Wow, I feel great.” The young woman flexed her shoulders. She was a short woman with medium brown skin of nondescript heritage. She had a name but House couldn’t be bothered to remember it. He only treated her because the single doctor in this crappy town was being an idiot and he didn’t have anything better to do. “Or at least I feel great compared to the load of shit I felt like before.”

“That’s what happens when you’re not full of lead.” House put away his stethoscope. 

“I really should have known it was lead,” the woman shook her head.

“Because you were chewing bullets?” 

“No, because heavy metals are one of the few things that can hurt my people.” House gave her an incredulous look but she continued before he could give a some mocking comment. “I’m a djinn, genie.”

“Uh huh. Where’s your bottle?”

“That’s only when we’re imprisoned. Back when people believed in magic they used to lock us up then refuse to let us out until we did them favors. I don’t remember then but my parents told me all about it.”

“Is this the part where I get three wishes?” House asked in one of his most sarcastic tones.

“That sounds fair to me,” she nodded. “So, what do you wish for? And don’t worry about being specific, I won’t screw them up. You saved my life so I’ll pay you fair and square.” She gave House a wink and a thumbs up. 

“Yeah, I’ll get right on that,” House made to walk out the door.

“Come on! Even if I’m just a crazy person there’s no harm in telling me. I already know about your friend downstairs.” The ex-doctor stiffened at the mention of Wilson who was currently in another room of the small town hospital hooked up to morphine. “I won’t let up until you tell me. I’ll pester you and pester you and pester you and pester you and pester you…” She began to chant.

“Fine! I wish for Wilson to live and for my leg to stop hurting,” he snapped at her.

“And?...”

“To have a long and happy life full of rainbows and sunshine and meaning or whatever.” House rolled his eyes and headed to the door.

“Okay.” The young woman whipped out a tablet and started to scroll through the touch screen. House ignored her and opened the door to the hallway. But instead of the rundown medical building, he found thick white fog.

He raised an eyebrow at the dry ice affect. He was ready to walk out but his cane bumped into an invisible barrier. Just to make sure he ran a palm over the entire span of the doorway. The space between the walls was sealed with what felt like smooth glass. 

“Don’t bother trying to break out.” She must have noticed him shift weight off his cane so he could use it as a weapon. “We’re in a time and space pocket right now while I fulfill your wishes. You’re not going anywhere until I’m done. Trust me, I tried everything when Papa first showed me this.”

“Really?”

“Yep. Now, back to business. I could just fix everything now but giving this a look, you wouldn’t get to live very long. Apparently, Vicaden killed your liver. Then Doc Wilson would get married again. And divorced, good god man. No, I can’t give you this crap,” the djinn snorted. 

“You’re not giving me my wish?” House turned indignant and mocking immediately. 

“Wishes. And I’m actually going to make them better. Let’s see…” She scrolled through items on her screen. “Make Wilson healthy, that’s easy enough. Just put a patch of black ice or puddle of water, he slips and hits his head. You get all worried and insist on a MRI. Find the tumor before it gets big.”

“You had better be serious about this.” He was not amused by this joke.

“Deadly.”

“Magic isn’t real.” 

“Not most of it.”

“Why not just stop him from getting cancer in the first place?”

“I can’t do that. I can do big things now or little things in the past. But really, you change one small thing at the right time and you get a whole different future. Look at this.” She held up her tablet. The screen displayed a branching tree with one path of branches highlighted. “You have to take into account people’s personalities and chaos theory, of course.” She tapped one juncture where the branches split. A small window popped up showing a video of Wilson falling down in the hallway of Princeton Plainsboru. She tapped the window and it disappeared but a new set of branches became highlighted. “But it’s easy enough to change the course of history.” She flipped her tablet back so she could look at it. “I just have to find the right time for Wilson to hit is head and his cancer problem is solved.”

“You can’t change people’s personalities?”

“Best to just go back in their childhood and change their upbringing. Now that you mention it, it might be easier to give you a happy life if I change your child hood so it wasn’t abusive.”

“Don’t you dare,” House growled.

“Noted,” she wasn’t fazed. “No touching your fundamental personality. Now let’s see about that leg.”

“I’d like amend my wish, I wish you’d go away.”

“Nope.” She stared intently at her screen. “Hmmm, I was afraid of that. I can’t prevent your blood clot. Let’s see if I can get it treated sooner.” House picked up his cane and swung it at her tablet, intent on knocking it away. 

“Nice try.” His cane went right through. Her image didn’t shimmer but he couldn’t feel anything when he tried to poke her. 

“Aren’t you supposed to have a crystal ball or something?”

“That’s exactly what this is, and I get to play Angry Birds.” She scrolled through more options while House went to knocking on the invisible wall across the door. “Huh, that’s interesting. Wow, that’s a lot better. Okay. Let’s see what that changes.” She narrated. “Oh, oh! Perfect. You’re going to cut it off.”

“Cut what off?”

“Your leg, it will be a few years interim but then if I do this, then there’ll be an accident and rather than have another surgery, just chop it off. Why didn’t you do this the first time around? Not when you first got sick but after you realized your leg was a piece of crap.”

“Alibaba got it right, you’re an ass.” 

“Wrong myth, now you need someone to suggest amputation in the first place. And I need to figure out your love life.”

“Going to shack me up with Cuddy?”

“No, doesn’t look like that would work long term,” she muttered without glancing up. “Hm… how opposed would are you to kids?”

“You’re kidding right?”

“Nope. You asked for rainbows, sunshine, and meaning. What’s more meaningful than contributing to the future generation?”

“Sarcasm,” House muttered but she kept talking.

“Aw look at ‘em! They’re so cute. Wouldn’t you want to shape these two in your own image?” The genie turned her tablet around again to show him a picture of two little blond children.

“No.”

“Yes,” she grinned and tapped her screen a few times. “Ooh, well you asked for rainbows. Rainbow flag it is.”

“What?”

“Bye!” House got the familiar feeling of falling unconscious. “Thanks again, enjoy your new life.”


	2. Chapter 2

“I’m sorry, but there’s nothing else we can do.” Dr. Wilson was giving his standard, you’re going to die speech.

“Well… shit.” The woman said.

“I…”

“Good God, stop apologizing.”

“I wasn’t going to.”

“Uh huh, do you have a psyc department here?”

“Would you like an appointment?”

“With however it is that can declare me sane. And I need a second, preferably with someone not associated with the hospital.”

“To declare you sane?” Wilson asked.

“I need to change my will,” she squinted at her cell phone. “And my crazy-ass sister will contend it.”

They both looked up at the sound of tapping from the window.   
“One second,” Wilson grumbled. “What?” he went to the balcony door. The woman watched Dr. Wilson speak with the scruffy man, who based on the office positions and hospital gossip, was likely Dr. House. A moment of thought then she collected her purse and left.

The next day, House was busy watching TV in his office when he got a visitor.

“Hey,” the woman came inside without knocking. 

“Hey?”

“I’m dying. Need to decide how much money to leave the hospital and which departments reap the benefits of my rather impressive life insurance.”

“I’m sure Cuddy would love to have this conversation.”

“I’d prefer the truth you seem like the kind of guy to give it.” She set a hundred dollar bill on his desk then sat down in one of his chairs. 

House considered for a moment then took the money. “Usually I loose money in this situation.”

“Sorry, quit that job years ago,” the woman shrugged off his crudeness.

“You’re a pro?”

“Give me my hundred back and a room that’s not made of glass and I’ll prove it.” House unabashedly eyed her.

“Wedding ring but no husband to hold your hand in the doctor’s office? Either you’ve got him whipped and he’s at home taking care of the kiddies or he beat you to it.”

“Both. Car accident four months ago. Treating my injuries is how they figured out I was dying. I did have him whipped though.”

“Be surprised if you didn’t.”

“Now, honest opinions on the other departments.” 

They were discussing evil nurse Brenda when Cuddy poked her head in. “House.”

“Yes dear?”

“Love your outfit, I used to wear the exact same thing to work,” the woman, who still hadn’t offered her name, said overly cheerfully.

“Uh, thanks. Blood clots in a twenty-four year old dancer, no trauma…” She paused when House mimed grabby hands towards the file.

Even as the minions assembled, the woman didn’t leave.

“Who’s this?” Foreman indicated the blond guest. 

“Consultant,” said House.

“New doctor?” Chase asked.

“Former pro, he wants insight into the lifestyle of our new patient,” the woman answered. 

“She’s a dancer,” Cameron pointed out. House snorted and underlined ‘hooker’ on the board. 

“Mrs. McNaught.” The woman smiled and offered a handshake to the fellows. Cameron took it without hesitation, Chase shook but checked her out at the same time, Foreman refused.

Mrs. McNaught wasn’t any help with the medicine but she entertained House so he verbally spared with her rather than harass the ducklings.

“She’s lying,” House declared part way through the diagnosis.

“Why would she do that?” Cameran asked.

“Character witness, when was the last time you lied?” House turned to their guest.

“Most recently, this morning when I forged patient files so the pediatric department would watch my kids free of charge.”

“Chase and Cameron you have the apartment. Foreman, work. Take a car and try not to look judgmental.”

“Bring coffee and donuts for her coworkers, this time of day they will have just finished their shifts,” the woman added. “And ask if she’s visited a John’s apartment recently or just done car jobs.” Foreman glared but left.  
I’m not writing medical drama

It wasn’t until after the case that Mrs. McNaught had it out with Dr. House. “You’re a hypocrite. ‘Shed the useless weight’, if you really believed that you’d have cut that off.” 

“It’s my leg.”

“It doesn’t function as one. It’s a useless hunk of flesh. Get rid of it. Get a prosthetic. You’ll be able to walk, run, climb stairs, you’ll have far less pain. Name one good reason for keeping it other than sentimentality because it’s ‘part of you’.” 

“Yeah, surgery is so much fun.”

“Is a complication from the surgery more likely than liver failure from chugging Vicoden?” Mrs. McNaught raised an eyebrow. “And your BFFs with the Dean, you’d get excellent treatment.”

“Ever heard of the femeral artery?”

“So cutting it off would be illegal and dangerous?” Mrs. McNaught raised an eyebrow.

“Maybe I just like the pain.” He reached for his pills.

“What does it make you a better doctor?” He gave a look as he swallowed. “Hah! Bullshit!” She laughed. “What evidence do you have for that? All antidotal I bet. That makes you no better than the idiots who believe in ghosts or God because of antidotal evidence and their own prejudice.”

“Ouch,” House said sardonically. 

“My husband died four months ago and I have less than a year to live. Do you hear me bitching about it? You’re purposefully wasting your life, feeling sorry for yourself. At least have the balls to admit it. You’re scared.” House glared at her but didn’t get to spout a witty retort before she shrugged and left.

Three days later House and Wilson were leaving the hospital at quitting time when one of the nurses stopped them. “Doctors, there’s a man here to see you.”

“Unless you’re bleeding from your…” House started but the man stepped around the nurse and approached.

“Mr. Glass, I’m a lawyer not a patient.” That caused pause in the doctors. “Nor am I here to sue you. I’m here on behalf of Tulip McNaught.”

“Tulip? Wow, no wonder she went into performance arts.”

Snide comments from House regardless, they were soon all seated in a meeting room. “You are named as the main beneficiaries of her will.”

“Really?” Wilson was surprised. The lawyer handed them a stack of papers. House just glanced at them but Wilson read them more carefully, thus he was the first to get a shock.   
“Wait! Wait, what’s this?” He pointed to one sheet.

“Mrs. McNaught has transferred guardianship of her children.”

“What?” That got House’s attention and he looked at his own files.

“Dr. Wilson you are now the legal guardian of Prince McNaught and Dr. House you are the legal guardian of Divine McNaught.”

“What’s with these names?”

“That’s what you’re worried about?!” Wilson snapped at his friend then turned back to the lawyer. “Can she do that?”

“Yes.”

“Why would she do that?” House asked.

“You can ask her,” the lawyer placed a cellphone on the table. “You’re on speaker.”

“Hey,” Mrs. McNaught’s voice came from the device.

“I think there’s been some sort of misunderstanding,” Wilson stuttered out.

“I’ve been declared sane by three separate doctors. And I’ve paid Mr. Glass an outrageous amount of money, so no, no mistake.”

“Just stupidity then,” said House.

“Heh,” the woman laughed. “You remind me of me. Not perfect replicas of course but closer than random strangers would be. And that’s my three options; living relative, only relative to qualify is my batshit sister; put them in the system, yeah right; or assign someone else. With you two they will at least have a relatively close upbringing to what they would have had with us. Best I could do given the circumstances.”

“I’m a drug addict.”

“Don ‘t sweat it sorority sister, I only kicked that old habit when I got pregnant.”

“I really don’t think,” Wilson started speaking only to be interrupted. 

“Polite, caring, cultured, sincere, and loving all wrapped around the core of a manipulative bastard, how close am I?”

“…” Wilson had nothing to say to that.

“Hey, she’s good,” House smirked at his friend.

“I learned how to read my Johns pretty damn quick.”

“You know there’s a certain dean of medicine that’s trying to get pregnant,” House pointed out.

“Keep that skank away from my babies.”

“But…” Wilson leapt to Cuddy’s defense.

“I don’t want my boy to grow up sexist and my girl to inherit cripplingly low self-esteem.” 

“Sexist? She’s the dean.”

“Who’s so insecure that she needs to flash her boobs and lie about her age.”

“What if she just likes to share,” House was interested in this conversation despite himself.

“In my time at your fine institution I saw her wear five outfits, four of which were impractical and two of those incredibly uncomfortable. I’m all for showing cleavage to get men to do what I want but a work day at the hospital? There’s nobody to impress and she’s handling needles she could drop down there. In short, she doesn’t get my babies, you do.”

“I’ll teach your babies to hate you,” House tried a new strategy.

“Go ahead, they’re two, they won’t remember me anyway. I’ve influenced their developing personalities but I won’t be their mother, nothing I can do about that.”

“Just come in, we can talk about this,” Wilson tried again.

“I’ve got six months to live. I’m going to spend that time for myself. Take the brats. They’re brilliant little monsters. Fifteen years of work and you’ll have loyal minions and a lasting impact on the world. We already started molding them into evil geniuses just keep that going, or don’t you’re still a better option than my sister.

“Show them all the insurance they’re getting, Glass. Of course it’s all conditional on you keeping my kids. Now I’ve got a road trip to get to. I’ve done my part now whatever happens to them is on you. And yes, that was a low blow to your paternal instincts. Ta.” Somewhere in Connecticut Mrs. McNaught hung up the payphone. She sighed, shook out her blond hair, adjusted her shirt, and walked to her convertible. Once in the drivers seat she took a moment to open the sunshade. Taped to the inside was a photo of her, a man, and two blond toddlers. Tulip smiled, pushed the visor back to it’s spot on the ceiling, and started her vehicle. 

Some time later:  
“You can’t just leave her in your office all day!” Wilson shouted.

“Better than hiring a nanny, like you. Did you even run a background check on that overweight mama mia?” House shouted back.

“If you don’t want her give her to me!”

“She’s mine!”

“She’s not a trophy! She’s a person.”

“She’s my person.”

“That’s not how it works.”

“Yeah? I’ve got paperwork that says otherwise so get a lawyer.” House got up and started gathering his things to leave.

“You haven’t even child proofed your apartment.”

“She’s got a playpen. At least I’m trying to include her in my life unlike you who’d rather just dump him on a woman and leave.”

Later:  
“Amber asked me out.”

“Who?”

“One of your candidates.”

“Still not narrowing it down,” House shrugged and tossed his gray and red ball to Divine. The girl tried to catch it but it bounced off her hands. She giggled and crawled after it. Her brother watched from a corner of the fenced in area. House no longer had the largest office of any department considering over half of it was now a play pen.

“Blond.”

“Oh, evil bitch.” At Wilson’s glare he added. “That’s not a bad word it means a female dog, I’m calling her a dog.”

“Uh huh.” 

“Pa!” Divine managed to pick up the ball and throw it in House’s direction.

“Come on you can do better than that,” House retrieved it and tossed it back to her. “Get your motor running? I can call up one of the girls.”

“I don’t need a…”glance to the kids. “threesome.”

“If you need a vagina I got better ones on call than evil bitch.”

Much Later:  
“You’re an idiot.” Hose woke up to Wilson telling him off.

“You sound surprised.”

“I don’t know why I am,” Wilson was both angry and close to tears. “We have kids now, House, two of them! And you’re still experimenting with death like it’s a game?”

“What am I on?” Greg ignores him and looks at his IV. “The good stuff?”

“House!”

“My leg doesn’t hurt,” he grinned and grabbed Wilson’s hand. “Don’t you get it? I’m not in pain.”

Wilson teared up but chuckled anyway. “You can’t feel your leg at all, I imagine.”

“Shh, I might care about that later but right now I’m not craving a vicodin, for the first time since I quit.”

Wilson kissed him and tried not to look down at the bed sheets, where there was a noticeable slack where a right leg should be. “You’re going to get a prosthetic with flames, aren’t you?”

“I already picked out a couple. And I’m keeping the cane.”

“Of course you are.”

“You know,” House experimentally flexed the remains of his thigh. “we could get into some interesting positions with this.”

Even later:  
“House you’ve had a bad day, go home hug your kids.”

“Have hot gay sex with Wilson.”

“Hug your kids first.”

4 years later:  
Father Mathews carried a tray of clean bowls from the kitchen to the main room. A middle aged volunteer ladled soup into a waiting dish and passed it to the waiting man. He set the tray down and surveyed the room. Most of the tables were empty. Only a handful of scruffy individuals were in today. A pair of friends sat in the corner talking. Father Mathews smiled as he spotted a small, thin body hunched defensively in the closet seat to the door. Mathews prepared to call for John but his nephew suddenly appeared from the kitchen. Father Mathews smiled at John approvingly as the boy headed to the lone figure. 

“Hi, Ryan,” John said in a friendly tone and set a bowl of soup on the table. 

“I’m not hungry,” the hunched boy muttered. 

“I got it myself.”

“That’s not it. I’m just really not hungry.”

John eyed the other boy. He was pale and shivering. “Are you okay?” He reached out to touch Ryan.

“I’m fine.”

“You don’t look good,” John said in a concerned tone. Ryan shook his head but then started coughing. “Do you need water?” John touched the other boy’s forehead. “Oh gosh, you’re burning up.” Ryan started hacking louder. He pushed against the table and turned towards the floor. He gave a wet cough and spit out bile. “Uncle, Ryan’s sick!”  
….  
Dr. House sat in and empty exam room trying to beat the final boss. He swore the one platform was broken and kept dropping him whenever he landed on it. He had paid his last patient five dollars to sneak out and not tell anyone he was ready for his next. An elderly woman poked her head inside, anyway. The brat stole his money. See if he would prescribe more painkillers when he came for the follow up appointment. 

“Sit down, wait two minutes, and don’t whine.” House glared at the woman.

“My arm hurts,” she didn’t obey.

A few minutes later the woman stormed out in a huff.

“House,” Cuddy stuck her head into the exam room.

“That woman is an idiot. Being self aware will increase her life expectancy, so if you think about it, I’m actually doing my job.”

“Not that, there’s a case I need you to look at.”

“I thought I was babysitting the brainless today.”

“You have a case,” the dean of medicine said in an exasperated tone of voice. “White male, 14 years old. Fever. Coughing, vomiting, lack of appetite. And he won’t talk to anyone, so we’ve got virtually nothing in terms of medical history.”

“Is that a symptom?”

“Why don’t you go find out?” She passed him the folder.

House had his assembled team, which consisted of Chase, Taulb, and Masters.  
“Considering he’s a street kid chances are he ate something he shouldn’t have. Check the kid for creepy crawlies and all your typical home and garden toxins. Chase, your hair looks like that of a pre-teen pop star, go talk to the kid.” The four fellows nodded and split to do his bidding.

House sat in one of the hallway chairs and watched Chase have a one sided conversation with the patient. A man in priest clothes approached after a minute.

“Are you his family?” The father nodded towards the boy.

“No, I’m his doctor. And I’m guessing you fulfilled your daily good doing by brining him in.”

“Yes, Ryan has been coming to the shelter for almost a year now.”

“Tell me where he lives, squats, or whatever they call it.”

“I’m afraid I don’t know. Ryan never shared anything about his personal life.”

“Do you know what he’s been eating?”

“No.”

“A last name?”

“No. I never actually spoke with him, you see.” House gave a dramatic sigh and rubbed his face. “Ryan only talks with children. Well, he’ll occasionally have a few words with people in their twenties but he has a near pathological mistrust for adults. He won’t even let me hand him his meals, John has to do it.”

“And John is…”

“My nephew. He’s the one who convinced Ryan to come to the shelter when he needed it.” House gave him a look so he elaborated. “John told me everything he knows about Ryan. He’s not here because he has school and his parents didn’t want him around incase whatever Ryan has is contagious.”

“Well, this talk has been useless.” House shifted in the chair to stand up.

“I know some people who might know something,” the father said quickly. “Ryan is friends with a street family that lives in the old factory on 34th street. John said that Ryan helps out other kids all the time. They should know something about him.” 

“Great, chasing down street kids, that’s a brilliant use of time,” House said right as Chase came out of the patient room with a sigh.

“He really doesn’t want to talk.”

“Since your boyish charms have failed, go check out an old factory on 34th street and see if any of the other squatters are sick.” The Aussie shrugged and headed down the hallway. 

“At least I won’t be breaking and entering this time.” Chase passed the rest of the team as they returned from running the tests.

“No parasites in the urine. Normal white blood cell count.”

“Parasites are still most likely, check the less likely places in case they’re shy. And since our resident moral stick-in-the-mud can’t run tests by herself she gets to pick up a translator,” House added as he ducked to the nearest nursing station. Masters glanced around with confusion but Taub and Foreman just shook their heads and headed back towards the elevator. Reluctantly, she approached House who was busy finding a pen. He grabbed a piece of paper and scribbled with a pen. “Go here. Ask for Prince Divine. You get any tickets you’re paying them yourself. And keep your lab coat on, that will simplify things.” He shoved the note towards her. Masters gingerly took it and eyed the address he had written. “Go.” 

Masters ended up driving down two one-way streets the wrong way before she found the address she had been given. Deeply confused she pulled into the driveway and double checked her paper. This was right, so either House was screwing with her or one of the child counselors owed him a favor. Masters gave a nervous sigh, climbed out of her car, and headed into the grade school. Past the front doors was a large low desk where two middle aged women surrounded by clipboards sat.

“Um, excuse me,” Masters shuffled forward. One of the women glanced up at her, clearly unimpressed. “I was told to ask for, ‘Prince Divine’.”

“Over there,” the woman gestured vaguely towards the hallway. Masters turned and spotted two blond children with backpacks sitting on a bench. On cue, they tilted their heads to look at her suspiciously.

“Who are you?” The boy stood up from his seat. He wore forest green canvas shorts, and a blue t-shirt that read “Your problem with me is your problem” in black letters. 

“Never seen you before.” The girl jumped down and joined his side. She had on a long, white and red polka-dot blouse and blue jeans with pink floral trim. Both kids had thick blond hair, the boy’s was cut short with uncontrolled cowlicks, the girl’s was tied into two high pigtails with teal ribbon. Both glared up at Masters with virtually identical puppy brown eyes.

“Um…I’m Masters,” she stuttered.

“Oh, the new girl that can’t do anything. Papa was complaining about her,” the girl poked the boy’s arm.

“Yeah, the one that Cuddy made be on the team,” the boy nudged her back.

“Yes…” Masters had no idea what was going on.

“Hey,” the woman behind the desk set a clipboard on the counter. “You have to sign them out.”

“Oh…okay.” Master’s picked up the attached pen and started to write on the first open line.

“Not your name, the kids’ names.”

“Sorry, I uh…” Masters jumped at the reprimand and quickly looked down at the two for help.

“Prince and Divine McNaught,” the girl supplied.

“Just write McNaught twins, nobody cares.” The boy adjusted his backpack strap. 

Masters finished signing them out, only to find that the two gradeschoolers had abandoned her in the office and were impatiently waiting for her by the door. She led them to her car which they immediately started to call old and funny smelling.

“I like Taub’s car, why can’t he pick us up?” the boy grumbled.

“I like Chase, he goes fast for us,” the girl smiled as she climbed into her seat. Masters made sure they buckled their seatbelts before putting the car into drive. 

“So…you two know Dr. House?” Masters said tentatively as she drove.

“Duh,” the boy said loudly. The girl giggled. 

“Yep,” she added. “For a long time.”

“Our whole lives,” he agreed.

“He’s not your Dad, is he?” Masters asked. Another round of giggling answered her question.

“Daddy says I look like him,” the boy said.

“You do not.”

“You’re just jealous cause you look like a girl.”

“I am a girl. And flowers are pretty.”

“You’re a girly, girly, girl.”

“That just makes me special.”

“Don’t argue,” Masters jumped in.

“That’s not arguing, that’s talking,” the boy corrected.

“We don’t argue much,” the girl agreed.

“Go fast.”

“Yeah, go fast.”

“No. I’m not going fast.”

“Fast, fast, fast,” they started chanting in unison. Masters ignored them, hoping they’d cut it out. 

Amazingly, they kept it up all the way back to Plainsboro, only sometime they had switched from fast, to boring. Master’s car barely rolled to a stop before they started to move. 

“Wait!” She shouted fruitlessly as the boy shoved open the door before she had a chance to put the car in park. “Stop!” They were nearly to the door by the time she made it out of the car. Her shoes weren’t designed for running and she lost sight of them almost immediately. Not knowing what else to do, she hurried to House’s office to tell him what happened.

“Dr. House!” Masters ran to his office only to pause in the doorway. House was reclined in his comfy chair with both kids sitting in his personal space as if they belonged there.

“Shame on you, Masters, loosing track of your boss’ little angels,” House smirked. The two kids smiled. Masters leaned against the doorframe to catch her breath.

“Introduce yourself to my new minion, kids.”

“Hello, my name is Prince McNaught, I’m the older twin by seven minutes,” said the boy. He sat on the footstool and rested his arms on top of House’s feet.

“Hello, my name is Divine McNaught,” she recited from where she perched on the doctor’s left thigh. “And we love our adopted Papa,” she added with a mischievous smile and an extra nuzzle into House’s chest.

“Aren’t they adorable?” House patted the little girl’s head.

“I see you’ve met the terrible twins.” Chase announced his presence with a remark to Masters. He walked past the drained woman into the office. “Hey, kids.”

“Hi, Dr. Chase,” Prince and Divine chorused and grinned up at the man.

“No one who stuck around to talk to me knew Ryan. I’ve got a few mold samples to drop off in the lab.” He explained as he went to put his backpack in the common room.

“You just stopped by here to see my kiddies,” the way House said it made it sound dirty. Chase ignored him completely. “Up,” House ordered. Both children immediately moved out of his way. “Fall in line ducklings, time to meet the patient. Masters bring the paperwork.” He limped out the door, followed closely by the two eager six-year olds.

Masters walked down the hallway with the family. She noticed the two kept close to House but didn’t get in the way of his cane or fall out of step with his unusual pace. The four of them joined a nurse in the elevator.

“Hi,” Prince waved at the nurse.

“Aren’t you two supposed to be at school?” the woman eyed them.

“They’re home sick with cuties. I’m taking them to the children’s ward so they can infect all the other patents.” House’s comment made the twins laugh.

“Cuties,” Divine repeated with giggles. 

“You got cuties in your hair.” Prince started playing with his sister’s ponytails.

“If I have cuties, you have cuties.” Divine made a grab for her brother’s head.

“Hey, you know the rules. No fists, no hair pulling, no biting, no kicking, no scratching.” House hooked Prince’s arm with the handle of his cane and pulled him away from Divine.

“Sorry, forgot.”

The elevator doors opened with a ping. The kids carefully hopped over the narrow crack. They walked with House to the patient’s room, waving at several of the nurses and doctors they passed on the way. House stopped in front of Ryan’s room and pushed open the glass door.

“Hey there.” Ryan glanced at him once but said nothing. “You won’t talk to me, so you get to talk to my mini-mes. Sick ‘em.” Prince and Divine eagerly ducked around House and went over to the bed. With only a little bit of pushing and shoving they climbed on top of Ryan’s sheets.

“Hi, do you have cancer? Lots of people have cancer.”

“We might have cancer, moles can be cancer.”

“Things that cause cancer are called car-cin-a-gins.”

“They’re everywhere!”

“Like dust mites. Dust mites are cool, they’re tiny little monsters that live under couches.”

“They’re like bacteria only they don’t hurt us.”

“Bacteria are goo monsters and REALY small and they live in water. They aren’t like dust mites.”

“Yes they are.”

“Bacteria are like viruses, dust mites are like head lice.”

“You can see head lice you can’t see dust mites.”

“So now they’re going to ask you some questions and you’re going to answer.” House swiped the clipboard from Masters and gave it to Prince. “Take turns,” he gave Divine a pen.

“They can’t…” Masters started to protest.

“Why because they’re not doctors? Oh wait,”

“Is that you dad?” Ryan said.

“He speaks!” Ryan’s glowered at the wall. “What? Being a child at heart doesn’t count?” Glare. “Fine, fine.” The twins giggled as House left the room and prodded Masters along.

“That’s our Papa. Do you have any parents?” Divine asked.

“House!” Wilson came storming down the hallway. “You pulled them out of school?”

“For a case.”

“If you drug them…”

“When have I done that?”

“How about the time with the stairs,”

“You’re still upset about that?”

Wilson shook his head with exasperation. “I’ll drive them back.”

“Not lying about the case, my patient only talks to those without pubic hair.” He gestured through the glass where Prince and Divine were playing tug of war with the clipboard. Ryan took it away from them and started writing answers himself.

“Just take them back when they’re done.”

“Public education is overrated. They learn more here, you should have heard them a minute ago talking about dust mites.”

“The nurses threw a going away party when they entered first grade.”

“Wasn’t really a party, a party has beer.”

“My oncology staff will stage a revolt if they get into the department lounge again.” Wilson gave a warning finger point then walked back the way he came.

“That’s your fault for being soft instead of an iron fisted dictator like me.”

“Papa! Papa!” The two shoved at the door a few times before getting it open.   
“Papers!”

“Thanks, Daddy just went that way, see if you can catch him.” House took the clipboard and sent the two running after Wilson.

“Daddy?” Masters muttered. 

“Oh yeah, great couples benefit at this place. New Jersey still has its head up its ass bout the two dicks thing but being a private institution means the state can be ignored.”

Final Season:  
“Dad, Dad, look at this,” Prince held up his latest spelling quiz.

“Daddy!” On the other side of the bed Divine colored pencil drawing that she was trying to shove in Wilson’s face.

“Hey, look, there goes evil nurse Brenda, go get her.” House pulled the kids off the hospital bed and sent them running into the hall. Wilson gave a tired sigh at the silence. 

“You’re the idiot who wanted kids.” House sat down and adjusted his prosthetic. The attachment still gave him blisters but compared to what it used to be, it barely registered. He still used it as an excuse to be a grouchy bastard, of course.

“Yeah, I forced them on you. When am I getting out of here?”

“Couple hours.”

“Sleepover, ready?”

“Snacks, sleeping bags, whoopee cushion, whipped cream, and feather are all packed,” House answered.

Wilson choked out a laugh. “You’re a terrible influence.”

“Eh, Lucas just wishes Rachel was half as clever or entertaining.”

“They get it all?” Wilson changed the topic.

“Made them check again, tumor’s gone.”

“This time we caught it in time,” Wilson sighed. 

“Already scheduled your next MRI.”

“We can’t go through life getting a full body scan every six months.”

“Why not? Got to keep healthy enough for our bachelor parties.”

“Oh god, how many did you hire?”

“Remember Candice?”

“Yyeess.”

“Well, I was so busy between you and the kids I assigned her as event planner, told her to bring all her friends.”


End file.
